Are You Having a Laugh?

[Gemo52]

Women's T-shirt Slogans


Next mood swing: 6 minutes

I hate everybody, you're next.

And your point is.............?

I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don't look busy .... I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always have their mouths open?

You have the right to remain silent so please use it!

If we are what we eat I'm fast, cheap and easy.

I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Chaos, Panic, Disorder -- My work here is done.

[Gemo52]

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine – (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

[Fenella]

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.



That sounds reasonable to me. I reckon I can beat most men at pool and table football as well. :D

[Gemo52]

I play pool, too. I used to have my own pool table. :)

[Fenella]

I play pool, too. I used to have my own pool table. :)


Really? Brilliant! I had a misspent youth playing pool and table football. I'm no good at snooker though - the angles are different.

[Gemo52]

Is table football the same as fuss ball?

http://xa1.xanga.com/8fdc42f717632174916075/z133138982.jpg

[Fenella]

Yeah, that's the one! I love it but I don't get to play it much these days. I'm better in a team cos I can't seem to move my hands quick enough!

[Gemo52]

I like playing that and Air Hockey as well. :)

[Dongle]

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.
I would probably go for imported beer.

I liked Furstenberg when I was at uni.

And yes, I wouldn't mind getting laid. No luck though :(

[Gemo52]

I like Staropramen, Hoegaarden and Banks.

[Gemo52]

I believe that earlier this year the US Postal Service also issued a set of stamps featuring american racehorses.

This must be one of the great ironies of the horse racing industry. If a horse wins its races it gets put on the front of a postage stamp. If it loses it gets put on the back!

[Dongle]

I collect stamps :)

[Jobless Oddball]

I collect stamps :)

Thought you might!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Gemo52]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!'

The teacher wet her pants laughing.......

[Fenella]

I don't like that joke Gemo. :(

[Gemo52]

It’s not my favourite, but I hadn’t seen it before.

I’ll look for a better another one.

[Gemo52]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

***************************

Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as Boob Job 3.6D and that old standby...Lingerie 6.9 (which have both been credited with improved performance of his hardware).

Good Luck,

Tech Support

[Gemo52]

You Think English is Easy?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

[Gemo52]

Psychic Society Conference

1200 people attended the recent International Psychic Society conference.

Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?" (Over 80% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?" (58% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?" (23% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?" (3% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?" (After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up)

Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, sir?" Attendee: "I am from Australia."

Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?"

Attendee: "Oh sorry! I thought you said "goat."

[Jobless Oddball]

What's wrong with having sex with a goat?????????????????????????????

Most of the blokes on here have fucked a dog or two!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!

[Gemo52]

What's wrong with having sex with a goat?????????????????????????????

Most of the blokes on here have fucked a dog or two!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!

I think the beard suggests an even greater lack of discernment.

[Jobless Oddball]

I think the beard suggests an even greater lack of discernment.

(((((((((((((((gemo)))))))))))))))

[Gemo52]

(((((((((((((JO)))))))))))))

[Gemo52]

Philosophy

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

[Gemo52]

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The firstman presses his forearm and the beeping stops.The others look at him curiosly.

"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains,

"That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows.

"I'm getting a Fax," he explains.

[Gemo52]

It seems that a man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he
sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter
reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the
table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their
pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert
out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By
carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."The diner ate his
meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "For give the intrusion, but do
you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied,
"Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend
to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of
that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string,
go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my
hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in
your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

[blackdahlia11]

Women's T-shirt Slogans


Next mood swing: 6 minutes

I hate everybody, you're next.

And your point is.............?

I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don't look busy .... I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always have their mouths open?

You have the right to remain silent so please use it!

If we are what we eat I'm fast, cheap and easy.

I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Chaos, Panic, Disorder -- My work here is done.

I'm an ugly cow but I still have a tight fanny ;)

[blackdahlia11]

Really? Brilliant! I had a misspent youth playing pool and table football. I'm no good at snooker though - the angles are different.

The angles are the same you daft bugger,you just need to put your glasses on if playing on a bigger table.

[Gemo52]

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take
to change a light bulb?

A: 1,331:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail
list that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light
bulbs and how the light bulb could have been
changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about
the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness
to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and
to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar,
alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing
light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we
are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts
**are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light
bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs,
what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of
different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and
to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that
are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs
relevant to this list.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote
them including all headers and footers, and then
add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing
because they cannot handle the light bulb
controversey.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion
was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

[Gemo52]

Bible stories retold by young scholars around the world:



In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve
were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of
Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by
night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman
who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson
slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians
were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was
when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to
humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt
not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the
Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed
him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical
times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700
porcupines.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live
by sweat alone."

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The
epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was
St. Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,
which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only
one wife. This is called monotony.

[Gemo52]

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers. After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.

The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."

The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."

The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"

[Gemo52]

A man walks into a pub with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off a table and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then he jumps up on the pool table, grabs the white ball, sticks it into his mouth and swallows it whole. The barman screams at the man, "Did you just see what your fucking monkey did?"
The guy says "Yeah, I'm sorry about that, I will pay for everything." He then drinks up and leaves with his monkey. About two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders another drink and his monkey starts jumping around the place again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. The monkey grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and then eats it.
The barman says disgusted, "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"Yeah that doesn't surprise me," says the man, "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first!"

[blackdahlia11]

A man walks into a pub with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off a table and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then he jumps up on the pool table, grabs the white ball, sticks it into his mouth and swallows it whole. The barman screams at the man, "Did you just see what your fucking monkey did?"
The guy says "Yeah, I'm sorry about that, I will pay for everything." He then drinks up and leaves with his monkey. About two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders another drink and his monkey starts jumping around the place again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. The monkey grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and then eats it.
The barman says disgusted, "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"Yeah that doesn't surprise me," says the man, "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first!"

Ha ha ha
I could tell you a few but my sense of humour would mean my forum demise,i thought it was funny though ;):D:D:D

[Gemo52]

A banker walked into a doctors surgery and demanded the quack look at his dick.
"Why, what's wrong with it?" the doc asked.
"I'll show you." said the banker. He dropped his trousers. His dick was the size of a jellybean, and the doctor couldn't help laughing.
"It's nothing to laugh at," replied the banker, "It's been swollen like that for the last three days!"

[Gemo52]

One day two rednecks, Jethro and Ebner were driving down the road drinking beer when they suddenly saw a police road block ahead of them.
"Fucking hell!" screamed Ebner, "I can't get busted again or I will go straight to jail! What the fuck are we gonna do with all these full beers we have left?"
"Hold on there Ebner," replied Jethro, "I have a good plan. First let's drink all the beer then peel the labels off the bottles and stick them to our foreheads, then hide all the empty bottles under our seats!"
Anyway they drink all the remaining bottles, paste the labels to their heads and stash the bottles away just in time when the sheriff knocked on the truck window.
"Afternoon boys," said the sheriff, "Have you two been drinking?"
"No, not us officer," replied Jethro, "We're on the patches!"